The Internet fukkin sucks now
2026-09-05
That kinda says it all, tbh, but to expand: everything about the current internet that slid into existence after the mass-adoption of myspace and all the social media web 2.0/web 3.0/web 4.0/Octuple-A-gaming market/everything as a subscription world has absolutely fucking sucked to live within and I'm tired of it.
It's just this pure shit machine of shame and anger and unhappiness and dysphoria and mad attention seeking. I've lived it too long and I'm so tired of it.
Because life is actually good. Real life, in-person life is great.
I wake up and text a few friends a few pics of myself, a few thoughts, a few traumas and truly fucked engrams I've accumulated, and they do the same and we work through them together. We are a community, we are together, we are linked to eachother and invested in other people's lives.
We go to eachother's houses, we share meals, we help eachother fix things or set things up or make things, we give eachother advice, we share a bowl or a few beers or a soda pop, we watch movies and play videogames together, we make out and fuck and tie eachother up to do strange and unusual things to eachother.
And I get compliments, and I give compliments, and I meet new people who think I'm so goddamn hot and we flirt and we kiss and we fuck and we read or look at or watch or listen to eachother's art and everything is amazing forever.
We give eachother things. Things we've made that are big and important to us and things we've made that are small and meaningless and just to make the other person briefly happy for a few minutes.
And then there's the internet. The goddamn motherfucking post-social-media algorithm-ruled intentionally-addictive feel-bad-machine internet.
If I were to make a techno-religion then the algorithm would be the ultimate evil we were trying to resist and fight against.
Everything went downhill since the blog and personal website world was replaced with the centrilized corpo-controlled website and app world, governed by its algorithms tuned by the finest psychologicists money can buy to keep you on, creating "content," and spending.
And while the old web is slowly spinning itself back into existence with personal blogs and individual websites and small-scale web rings and niche interest forums, that'll be a long time in the rebuilding. A hell of a lot longer than it did the first time since now it has an actual force working against it - the corpos are not gonna give up their psychologically-addictive cash cow without one hell of a fight. We may well see authentic cyberpunk-style corpo wars before this is all over with actual paramilitary groups showing up to forcibly shut down web rings. In a world where they've sent pinkerton mercenaries to hunt down people who get their hands on the wrong Magic: The Gathering cards it's potentially in the possibilities ahead of us.
I guess what I'm saying is that the real world is actually fairly okayish, it's also kinda hellish but it always was and for the first time in a long time we're doing something about it so I have hope. But the internet is a sickly creature in need of a lot of recovery.
But The Sneakernet is as healthy as ever and just waiting for us to rediscover it.
If we are going to slowly rebirth The Old Internet with our personal websites and blogs and forums, we're gonna need to rely heavily on The Sneakernet and physical media and in-person community and friend groups and families and clans to do it.
-Roach 🕷 ⚨ 💾
A Greek Pantheon Pagan reads The Tanakh
2026-08-30
So, I've started reading the Tanakh lately. It's essentially what the Christian-pilled world likes to call "The Jewish Bible." Not precisely accurate, but ya know. Christians.
Anyway, it consists of The Torah (largely the most well-known section and contains the five books of Moses), Nevi'im (the history of a number of prophets), and the Ketuvim (a selection of poetry, history, and wisdom literature) and is considered the primary religious text for Judaism.
I don't even really know why. Just a draw I've felt lately, and I've long learned to trust the pull of intuition on my soul. It's lead me to every other belief and practice and higher-being I've ever experienced and gained so much from so it's not a feeling I ignore any longer. Even going all the way back to childhood my innocent, Catholicism-soaked brain was long concerned with "feeling the Devil coming after me." Then 20-ish years later of fumbling and shutting myself off and opening myself back up I discover that Lucifer, the fallen angel, was reaching out to my mind and had much to teach me. Things that I've eagerly learned and been very thankful for.
Channeling, as some spiritualists call it, is an interesting pursuit because you never entirely know if it's genuine or not. Either you are legitimately connecting with an intellect someplace..."out there"...or you're just imagining things and engaging in some sort of odd self-therapy. But either way, as we say in the Chaos Magick world, if it works then it works and it doesn't matter WHY it works. So, we learn to trust it.
And on this, I trust that some portion of either YHWH as the current incarnation of the Jewish people call the being they worship or his retinue of various slightly lesser beings or the older Semitic pantheon that we are all but certain this belief system came from has something of value for me to learn and do. Nothing would reach out to my brain if it was not aligned with how I work and we couldn't partner for some sort of goal that my psyche wouldn't view as beneficial. I am too stubborn and too broken to be manipulated into something that I wouldn't be on-board for. I would either resist or - as I did in my youth when I was not at all ready yet for a connection with Lucifer that many years later I was - break entirely and become useless both to them and to myself.
I am a useful tool when used within the lines of my own goals. Something like an intelligent enchanted blade in a fantasy setting. I have my goals, you have yours, and if they are not aligned then I will be useless to both you and myself until I am once again in the hands of one who is aligned with me.
I wish I could say my interest in Judaism is an entirely noble pursuit, some genuine desire to specifically connect to their "One True Lord God," but tbh I care little for either dogmatic belief or pure monotheism.
I've dated MANY Jewish women, most especially Jewish feminists, and found myself intellectually attracted to their way of viewing the world and going about life. Even going back decades to ones I'll never get the chance to meet who made writings that I deeply connect with. Judith Plaskow with her "Coming of Lilith" being perhaps the greatest standout in terms of older more famous writers, but even those I've dated have almost always been intellectuals, writers, and poets whose work always touched me.
And as a youth I was very into Catholicism. I have often been called a "Lore Whore" for my absolute love of deep lore, and while Catholicism had enough to interest me, it never had enough to satiate me. And Judaism has SO MUCH MORE.
When I was a kid and I had questions, and holy shit did I ever have questions, the priests and the teachers always told me "just take it on faith." When I ask thousands of years of Rabbis questions, they say "holy shit, do we ever have answers for ya!"
It is an Abrahamic faith that encourages questioning and exploration and contemplation and argument. So there is so much more lore to be found in the writings of people going back far, far into the BCE era that expand on and augment and try to explain The Tanakh.
That, above all else, is what I find compelling about Judaism.
It is an opportunity to reclaim what I always wanted from Catholicism and toss aside the thought-terminating cliches it always gave me at every turn. A process that found me rejecting it already when I was still a child, refusing confirmation, and self-imposing an excommunication to eventually find myself first within Norse paganism and ultimately worshiping a smattering of Greek pantheon deities
And, when I really look at it, as is often the case with these channellings and reaching out to a connection with the mind of these entities we call "gods," I find I have been circling this pantheon for a good long while. I already have a symbol written permanently in my skin associated with Lilith, the first wife of Adam in Midrash Aggadah (basically the collection of explanations, expansions, and folklore that has grown out of millennia of Jewish people trying to understand what was already written by their times with "Midrash" essentially defining the process of questioning and answering and "Aggadah" defining the resultant writing, near as I can tell) that attempts to explain why YHWH forms two "women" in two different parts of Genesis, one out of dust and one out of a rib, by bringing in older regional beliefs in the Lilitu which were something like feminine night demons that can be vaguely thought of as similar to Succubi; in another part of my flesh I have written a symbol of Inanna, an older Sumerian goddess who was often combined with the Semitic goddess Ishtar who herself was often combined with the Semitic goddess Asherah who was briefly the wife of a few different Semitic gods including early YHWH; and I wrote and published a "Triple Goddess Luciferian" pamphlet of short stories inspired by Genesis and Paradise Lost that focuses on a transgender, feminist, lesbian, and polyculeistic interpretation of Lucifer, Lilith, and a new individual I imagine as "The First Eve" who eats the apple and is replaced by a Second Eve who isn't ambitious enough to do so.
This last act could probably be more accurately called a slightly out-of-time writing of modern Midrash that came to me too early for my interest in Judaism to bloom before it reached me than a genuine act of Satanic literature. Which would also explain why I always shied away from the idea of being considered a Satanist after writing it. The term never felt like it fit the work.
Even the concept of two unique Eves appears in some Midrash Aggadah trying to explain why there is an Eve who is clever and ambitious enough to seek out The Tree of Knowledge and yet remains entirely content to take a passive background character role thereafter, though as far as my research can show I'm the first to suppose that YHWH simply made one more Eve out of another of Adam's ribs - evening up the number to what we know today - and made her yet even more passive and mindless than the previous Eve who was herself an attempt to make a more passive and mindless Lilith. A process that is doomed to failure as even that one begins to show signs of the innate traits of the Divine Feminine slowly coming to the surface in her consciousness.
I may one day re-write that, once my current psyche catches up to the inspiration for that. Not everything comes to me in exactly the order it should and I am frequently existing anachronistically, even within my own lifespan.
So...yeah...that's a lot of words, but I think it mostly makes sense.
More coming soon.
-Roach 🕷 ⚨ 💾
I dunno...
2026-08-23
if I'm made to experience contentment with myself,
but at least I get to be sexy
-Roach 🕷 ⚨ 💾
Maybe every group
needs something like me
2026-08-23
I've long had this trend in my life.
I come into people's lives at their lowest, when everything is shit. And I listen, and I help, and give a little money and buy a little groceries and help them with their resume and send them places to apply and clean up a little and just generally help keep them going. And we hang out, and we fall in love, and we have sex and do kink and have intimate cuddle nights in front of the TV with some old tape playing and we listen to old music and sit in the park or in my car and just hang out.
And then...inevitably...things get better for them. New job, new career, higher income, new place to live, a little more prestige, better meds, more interesting art production that gets more attention. And then they don't need me anymore.
The first few circles ("polycules", I guess) purged me outright. It ain't hard, afterall, to find "basically me, but better." I'm largely the worst version of me you could hope to find. No chance whatsoever for financial or artistic success in this lifetime, a whole fleet of vindictive old men made sure of that many, many years ago.
"I'm the worst there is at what I do (living), and the best there is at what I do (surviving), bub, and I'm not sure either one is very nice"
-This universe's version of Wolverine (me)
Lemme tell ya, it's a hell of thing to be introduced to "basically yourself, but better" when your friends/lovers say something like "omg, you're gonna love them! you're so similar!" and then they ask you like 10,000 questions about your circle and a few weeks later they stop calling or texting and you realize you were just training your replacement.
After that, I got in the habit of moseying on as soon as it became clear I wasn't needed anymore. Once my work here was done, it was time to ride off into the sunset to find another group of people who needed me.
...Then something changed...
I'm not even sure what, exactly.I think maybe I developed respect for WHAT, exactly, I am.
Not who. I dunno who the fuck I am. But I have a very good idea of WHAT kinda thing I am.
A LoserGirl is a specific kinda thing. A 90's throwback, a 70's throwback, a 60's throwback. A thing outside of time. A slacker, a punk, an anarchist, a survivor who's good at a lot of shit but can't ever put that shit together into a financially lucrative career or the kinda job title that makes people "oooh" at swanky parties.
Losergirls sit outside of society, and live more deeply in it than almost anyone else.
We live inside the music, the movies, the books, the art, the good times and the bad. We're less people living in the world as elements spawned by it. The most modern incarnation of things we once called "witches" and "demons" and "fae."
I always felt bad for what I couldn't be. Now I understand that I can't be anything but what I am, and that's as much a rule of the universe as it is one of my persona. I am made for sitting in a dinged-up old car I half live in while in a parking lot listening to old music on the radio and eating cheap fast food fries and watching the birds fly around waiting for their share of the fries to be tossed out onto the blacktop while a girl who's usually way too high-strung chills out next to me and waits for me to fuck her in the backseat.
That's who I am, and I think that's a thing every friend group kinda needs. They need a chaos warlock with the specific skill of weaving the pure chaos of life into calm and can get them out of their own heads for a while, because there is WAY too much inside most women's heads.
And they need someone to cut through the shit to get right to the root of their problems. They need someone who knows every inch of how the world works but just can't make it work for themselves to show them how to do their taxes or revamp thier resume or fix their broken tail light or whatever the fuck else.
Losergirls are a necessary part of society, and though we may in fact be losers in the most literal possible sense of the word, we are also something entirely non-negotiable to the process of creating other people's wins.
I dunno
much of anything, to be honest. Besides, like EVERY FUCKING THING. I do, in fact, know the vast majority of things that this world has to know. But I also don't know shit, most especially wtf this means for me.I dunno if I'm gonna find my forever circle or if I'll just eternally move from one to another to another, fixing problems and then moving along. But I at least know that I know myself, and I understand myself, and maybe in some weird way I respect and love myself.
Guess that's more than I've ever had before.
-Roach 🕷 ⚨ 💾
The End is The Beginning
2026-08-15
I lost my future this month. Not my present, not my job or any lovers or my health or anything so dramatic, but definitely my future.
All plans I may have once had died this month and they died so hard that I don't think there's any resurrecting them.
This is mostly due to the raw facts of economics. It started when the student loan prices skyrocketed and I realized I couldn't afford college anymore, which at this point is the only way I'm ever getting a different job and especially a different career.
One thing they don't tell you when you're young is that after a certain amount of time in a particular type of work, people start to get skeptical that you can do anything else. The solution is typically education. You go to college for a new subject, pay $20k, get straight A's, graduate, and get a fresh crisp piece of paper that "proves" that maybe you can do the job and then employers are slightly more willing to "take a chance on you." Still an uphill climb, but a possible one.
The other thing that happens is that you accumulate enemies, largely among former managers, and most of them are well-connected and have a lot of free time on their hands to cyberstalk people. And, often just as bad, you accumulate friends, mostly among current managers who will put in quite a lot of effort to not see you go. So an old manager gets word that you've applied someplace, gets on the horn to a golfing buddy, and gets your resume shitcanned. Or a current manager gets a phone call asking what kinda employee you are from someone who's interviewed you and is now checking up on your history, and gets to interfere with your chances of getting that job in order to keep you as an asset to themselves.
Pretty routine stuff in the midwest, honestly. This place runs on the word of older white men. We're still pretty "down-home country" like that.
So I got between 6 and 15 years left before the people working against me having mobility either retire or die before I got any shot of getting to even a different company within my current industry. And by then I'll be anyplace between 50 and 60 years old, and people sure don't hire newbies that old especially when the only thing they've been allowed to do for the past 20+ years is unskilled blue-collar manual labor.
Bad, definitely.
But then the real nail in the coffin hit when I got tricked into a bad student loan plan.
For months my servicer was telling me that I didn't qualify for an Income-Driven Repayment plan (IBR) and that I was gonna have to start paying $620 a month for the next ten years. Which I realized when the time came that it would kick in next fucking month that I got no chance of keeping up with.
So, I apply to the only thing available: the Repayment Assistance Plan (RAP) from the Republican's darling "The Big Beautiful Bill" passed last year. It is a significant percentage of your income for 30 FUCKING YEARS.
Which, at least is $300 a month instead of over $600. Something that I can survive, just barely.
And then, the same motherfucking day I applied for that, my servicer comes around and is all "oh yeah, we could have you on an IBR all along, here you go" and sends me a letter saying that I'll be paying $350 a month for the next ten years. 28 days before it kicks in.
Unfortunately, once you apply for a RAP there's no taking it back, and once you're on it there's no getting off it. EVER
So I just lost 30 years of my life, and in my 40's that's basically all the life I got left.
No college.
No new career.
No different job within my current industry.
No money outside of basic survival.
For all the rest of my life.
It's over, babyyyyyyyyy. That's end.
"Game over, man. Game over!"
- Private William Hudson, portrayed by Bill Paxton, Aliens. 1986
And I guess I've had a couple weeks to get used to it. Process through all those stages of grief, mourn a future I ain't ever getting.
And I'm kinda over it.
All of it.
No shits are given anymore.
It's, like, all so whatever. Ya know?
Now I can just do whatever the holy or unholy hell I fucking want for the rest of my life. As long as whatever I do is cheap or free and I keep showing up to work and doing a bare-minimum for me that is worlds ahead of what anyone else is bringing to the table, I'm good.
So...I guess the world is my oyster as long as I'm okay with my entire world always being The Twin Cities, Minnesota, and this exact same job and no money and no home ownership and no noteriety and definitely no retirement.
Today I got up and wrote 11 pages in a new novella that I'm gonna wind up "publishing" in my apartment on a thrift store printer on copy paper I got out of the trash at work. Went to the thrift store to buy a handful of tapes costing $5 in total, watched a dvd from the library, and did some work on a Pentium 3 PC I'm fixing up to use for retro gaming.
Tonight I'll probably masturbate and read a book from the library. Probably not at the same time. The book really isn't good stroke-material. Not very erotic.
Now I'm sitting here listening to ASMR with ad-block on YouTube and blogging and wearing a bicycle helmet that looks like a military helmet while wearing a shirt I got out of a free pile and a dead hard drive around my neck that I use as a techno-fetish for a techno-occultism practice I'm developing myself exclusively for myself.
Fight Club was right, it turns out.
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
-Tyler Durden, portrayed by Brad Pitt, Fight Club. 1996.
And at this point, I barely care about shit. Not really. Every plan crashed and burned spectacularly and I got nothing left but the now stretched out forever and whatever I elect to do day to day until it all comes to an end.
"Oh well. Whatever happens, happens."
-Spike Spiegel, portrayed by Steve Blum, Cowboy Bebop. 2001.
See you next time, cowpokes.
-Roach 🕷 ⚨ 💾
Rudderless
2026-08-09
Many, many, many years ago I used the username "Lost, Not at Sea" and honestly the more I go forward in life the more it feels like I didn't.
I'm so rudderless these days. So...lost.
Maybe that's part of being a LoserGirl too. Just never having a fucking clue where I'm going and not actually going anywhere. Endless circles without progress, wheels within wheels as they say.
Some people say I'm an angel, some say I'm a demon; maybe I am, just a biblically accurate one. Just wheels on wheels all spinning in-place and doing fuck-all nothing but ***SPINNING***; endless eyes pointed outward and inward, overly observing and overly introspective and all leading to nothing but overload because it's too much to ever process with any mortal or immortal mind. And I have yet to fully decide which one I have. I don't have any proof yet that I can die, or more accurately I have plenty of proof that I can die just none that I can do it forever. Coming back is terrifying, not for what you experience but for having to worry that you might not ever be capable of letting go of survival long enough to fade away into that place where everyone else will eventually go. Being some final undead thing that exists at the end of time on the dust-ball destroyed earth to come, alone for eternity, is a terrifying thought.
Anyway.
I dunno where I'm going with this. Dunno where I'm going with any of it, or if I'm going with any of it.
Maybe that's the point. Blogs started as journals before they were anything else. Before twitter and instagram and bluesky and threads and whatever the flying fuck else perfected the art of screaming voicelessly into the unfeeling void of reality, we had blogs as the first tentative ur-step out of the ocean of reality and onto the dry land of the networks.
Maybe that's all these things were ever for. Sharing angst and hoping to maybe stumble over someone else who shares the same embers of dissatisfaction ripped from the fire of consciousness that Prometheus once cursed us with. Son of a bitch, if I'd been there in the beginning I'd have told him to take his goddamn Fire and shove it right up his ass. No thanks, don't want a single inch of it.
Anyway.
Not much left in the tank these days. Running on empty and got no way to fill up because the road ahead is just blank desert far beyond the horizon, so I guess I'll just keep driving on stubbornness. Shove my soul in the tank and burn it away until I've given The Gods back all that Fire that was once mis-delivered to us.
-Roach 🕷 ⚨ 💾
Two Month Round-up:
Now with an enby named "Roach"
2026-08-01
Been a busy couple of months.
- Got food poisoning ./
- Regained the ability to be non-binary and/or a gender-non-conforming butch/futch at work (I'm allowed to wear women's pants and women's polos and baker-boy/newsboy caps again) ./
- Watched about a thousand movies from the library on my living room floor ./
- Tabled a hobby fair at work (not for selling, but for showing off and sharing in community) with a friend of mine ./
- And had all of my friends start calling me "Roach" because no matter what happens to me, it can't ever kill me.
So, I guess I'm Roach 🕷 ⚨ 💾 now
. . / /
Non-revolutionary
AKA: how one becomes a Loser Girl
2026-05-31
You talk to a girl, and she tells you about how everything has changed for her.
You complain about whatever, and she tells you "yeah, I felt like that too until I truly began my life 3 years ago." And you know the implication. She means when she came out, and that one day you'll feel like her about everything because one day you'll understand.
Except you already do.
You're a decade older than her and have been out for easily that long. Ten years out, eight of them on hormones, and not a damn thing has changed. And you don't understand, because you'll never understand, because you just weren't born the same way she was and you definitely didn't have the transition she did and you know that SHE'LL never understand THAT.
For some of us, transition or coming out or whatever else isn't "life changing." It's a Tuesday.
You changed, and nothing else did.
Same job, same career, same family, same life.
100% same person, the only difference is the set-dressing on the facade.
No one even treats you differently. Everything about your exterior has changed, most of your personality has too, but to everyone everywhere you're still the same man and the same straight and the same everything else you always were.
I think this is how you become a "loser girl."
You do what changed everyone else's life, and it doesn't do a goddamn thing for you.
And you'll never understand what great wisdom the exact same changes apparently imparted on them, because what elevated them left you behind.
I don't even remember coming out anymore; I don't remember starting E; I don't remember changing my clothes or when I looked in the mirror and saw a different person. Because none of it mattered, not really.
For some of us, what was revolutionary for others was just a routine day you've long forgotten.
. . / /
The loss of non-binary
2026-05-31
The past few months, maybe as long as the past year or so, I've been noticing a consistent decrease in the amount of gender-nonconformity, androgyny, and the general tendency of people to appear outside of a strict and extreme gender binary. More and more people are shifting either stone butch or high femme rather than being someplace a little in the middle like I've been used to seeing them.
And then, about a month ago, some random middle-manager I barely know swung through my work, saw that the one person in our office she knew wasn't there, took an instant and extreme dislike to me as a result, and then spent over a week nonstop ranting in hours worth of meetings to my manager about everything "wrong" with me, almost all of it centering on the core assertion of "he...she...I can't even tell what IT is!!!"
So, it was decided that choosing a direction and going hard in it might be the best option if I want to maintain employment.
Now I'm high-femme. All the time. Turns out I don't have the mental bandwidth to hold onto multiple distinct personalities for different situations so whoever I have to be to appease the system that allows my survival (my job) is who I'm going to be all the time.
I don't love it, to be honest. But I'm getting used to it and finding some social benefits to being perceieved as "unquestionably a beautiful young woman." Seems most people are nicer to you when they want to fuck you and all het men prefer femme women sexually, most gay women prefer femme women sexually, and all gay men and straight women find femme women un-threatening enough to "like" us.
Now I always wear dresses or skirts and I don't leave the house without makeup, even to go on the deck.
It's a massive pain in the ass and I don't like seeing how many other people are following the same trend. Society may not be able to eliminate trans people the way they seem quite intent to try to do, but they are absolutely winning the "war" on anyone who isn't on one extreme or another of the gender binary.
. . / /
Went to a place and did some things
2026-04-25
Even in an ongoing apocalypse, we can still have a little fun now and again.
. . / /
Why I know I'm right
2026-05-25
I've been studying for most of my life, either independently or through college, and I've always gotten unsolicited advice on the topics of my study. Which isn't really unexpected; everyone always thinks they're "helping" by throwing their two cents at you.
This time around, I'm going to college for Paralegal studies and Computer Science concurrently, with the intent to complete both an AS in compsci that I started 24 years ago and abandonded and to complete a new AS to be trained as a Paralegal and then go on to finish a Bachelor degree that honestly I should have just prioritized decades ago. It turns out that a Bachelor is basically how you guarantee a good job and it doesn't matter what you get it in because getting one at all essentially just proves that you have the proper decorum and funds to be considered "middle class" without having to prove it, and employers LOVE hiring people they assume were born middle-class, especially for higher-end, intellectual, or soft-skill labor. And I am getting far too old to keep doing blue collar unskilled manual labor for the rest of my life. I can tell you right fucking now that I will one day no longer be able to move at this rate.
Anyway, people keep telling me all of this is a mistake. AI is gonna replace all legal work, all tech work is already just maintaining AI, and the economy already has more than enough of all of that and plenty of intellectual laborers. Go into a trade, keep doing the unskilled labor; lifting is where the future is at, everything else will be done by machines.
And that's how I absolutely know that this will work out for me. Because across my entire life, every single goddamn time anyone has ever opened their stupid fucking face and given me unsolicited advice, I have always done what their "wisdom" has told me I should do; and every single goddamn time they've been dead fucking wrong and driven me straight into a swamp.
So this time, I've finally learned to listen very iintently to what everyone tells me to do, and do the exact opposite. This time, I know I'm right because everyone else is always wrong.
Thank you, but fuck you. I'm doing it my way this time.
. . / /
A Paradigm Shift
2026-05-25
My entire life, I've relied largely on myself for survival and possessing the kinda skills that make someone valuable to a household and to society. "Masculine" skills, you might say.
I could sit alongside engineers and do the support work they needed. Not quite an engineer myself, but definitely akin enough and far enough from the true support staff with their "soft skills."
I could fix the plumbing or the electrical or the hinges or the knobs and handles at home when something wasn't working quite right. I could take out the u-bend or replace the fuse and whatever was broken would work again.
But, like with most things in my life, this was never skill or talent. It was always applied Magick. My primary ability in this life is to apply an inherent well of Magick that I have spent my life growing towards whatever task I chose to.
I touched the machine, it started working. I touched the drain, it started draining. I touched the computer, it started chugging along again. I used to call it the "lay on hands" method; and now I lay my hands on other things.
My skillset, to the extent I even have such a thing, has shifted to "soft skills," to "people skills," to "feminine skills." I can fix your clothes, I can make your phone calls, I can help with your dinner, I can help with your laundry, I can talk to people in a line and come away with new friends. But this too, is all Magick. I've shifted the Magick that used to go towards the kinds of things that allow you to buy your survival in our society outright to things that, in our society, only allow you to help others live better so they expend less energy and have more left for buying their survival.
And thus, my survival has no longer become a right I earn on my own and has shifted to a gift others give me. Earning it to being granted it via charity. And that's a hard time mental shift.
It's hard for me to accept that if I take out the u-bend, it won't fix shit. I'll flood the kitchen floor and still have a clogged drain when I put the u-bend back. The kinds of objects that used to cooperate don't anymore and different ones do now, with the overlap generally being cars and computers. I can still speak to the spirits inside those machines, but so many others have had their languages scrambled to my ears. And new things - like people - who used to speak so foreignly to me are now so very easy to understand.
It's hard for me to get used to calling the kinds of people who do earn their survival to fix my shit and all I can do in return is provide the kinds of support that make it easier for them to earn thier survival. I can provide succor, but little else.
And it's hard for me to accept that my survival is no longer a given that I earn through my own talents, but a communally-granted gift that others choose to give to me.
It's hard to shift from a Cold War Era rugged individualist capitalist raised by Boomers and Gen Xers to a community-era socialist surrounded by Millennial and Gen Zer commmunists. Which, might just be the Xillennial anarchist curse. Maybe living between two EXTREMELY different groups of people's worlds is just what our lives are.
Being a half-gen is a real struggle because you are always trying to learn to ride the waves of the full-generations' worlds.
. . / /
Sights around The Cities: Green Windows
2026-04-25
Aren't these pretty??
. . / /
Is that a gun in my ass or am I just happy to see you?
2026-04-19
Could be either, really
. . / /
Summer has started
2026-04-12
I can taste it in the air, feel it in the warmth, smell it in the fresh pollens and green-notes in everything, and fuck do I ever hate it.
The summer has always meant a lot of things to me, and none of them good.
It used to be the time when I always got fired or laid off, but that was almost a decade ago now. Still, the old panic sets in every year as I wonder how or if I'll survive this one; if I'll find myself living in a shed or a basement or a car again, trying once again to jump-start a porn career that can only reduce in result the older I get. Porn is a young woman's game and the older you get the more nobody wants to see you naked or dressed "sexily." Even domination, which arguably gets better as you get more experience, isn't a thing anyone wants to pay for from a woman over 30, and I am WAY over 30.
Now it's the time when I worry I'll never lose this job, either by choice or force. I've been in a living hell for over 6 years now that only ever gets harder and leaves me more damaged every summer and yet I still keep surviving it and being stuck with it.
The summer was once when I worried I might die soon, now it's when I worry I may never die and be free of this shite life. And with each passing year I worry more and more that I'll never be free of the people who make it shite. I think there's a very real possibility the baby boomers are immortal and we'll be stuck with their absurdly toxic personalities and in the absolutely trash world they intentionally engineered forever.
The summer is when my relationships fell apart, and when new whirlwind relationships started up that would hit fever-pitch levels of intensity before calming over the fall and winter and falling apart next year.
I've been in an endless cycle of relationship birth and death for years now. Always a stop on the way to a girl's forever home, I've long been something of a polycule "good luck charm." If a girl dates me or even just intensely hangs out with me for a summer, by the winter of that year she'll find the girls who she'll spend the rest of her life with.
It's similar with careers. If a girl knows me, she will shortly find the next great thing that will start or restart her professional life in-earnest.
This is the way of things. I am a queenmaker, I have a kind of luck that only shines outward. And then I am left behind.
And I guess that's what the summer really means to me the most.
It is the time of year when I remember how stagnant and pointless and futile my life is. Ever watching others move on, ever a weigh stop on the way to greatness. A perfectly stagnant, eternal, unchanging thing.
A blemish on the otherwise elegant tapestry of fate.
. . / /
I wonder who the fuck this is?
2026-04-12
I've loved this graffiti tag for a while. I dunno who did it, and I haven't seen it very often in the places where I go, but holy shit if I ain't also "CRT4T"
So much of my dating has been done under the glow of a retro screen while playing old console games and watching old VHS and DVD movies.
. . / /
Sights around the city #1: South Cedar
2026-04-12
Saw a few neat things around the area of South Cedar, someplace in the 30th streets section of blocks.
I love this city's graffiti and public mural game. You always see the coolest shit everywhere. Like this vaporwave bird thing.
Also, someone put Tiffany from the Chucky//Child's Play movies on the side of their truck. Which, as a follow horror movie lover I can say is absolutely the right move.
I mean, I'd probably do a Cenobite because I like Hellraiser more, but still. Right move for sure.
. . / /
Bored of AI
2026-04-05
So, I fucked around with AI for a while.
Mostly because I thought it was kinda a fun toy that I could use to quick daydream out random concepts via having it shit out images of whatever popped into my head or to make quickie goon-bait videos. And theoretically because it might be nebulously "good for my career" in that sorta way that old people say you need to learn some random technology they think is going to be very important to the future of work.
You know that shit, the shit that some boomer convinces themselves is gonna take all of our jobs next and then maybe it gets shoehorned into your average job or maybe it just fritters away into nothing like the next fad.
One more thing to put on my resume because middle-managers convinced themselves it's the future and they'll ignore any application without it listed.
So I got the Gemini premium $20/month account, I got the Sora account, and I took the stupid online classes through work that would let me put "prompt engineer" on my resume. Which, btw, "prompt engineer" is just a stupid way of saying you're vaguely good at writing instructional sentences that are halfway between technical writing and what you might tell an artist in the intro email for a commission to test the waters and see if they even do the kinda thing you're looking for. It's basic sentence structure, nothing all that impressive.
I've also messed with ChatGPT and Midjourney and probably some others I can't remember.
And the more I used it, the more I got bored with it. And the more I was un-impressed by it even as they allegedly improved the technology and definitely pumped infinity money and other resources into it.
They kept adding more, doing more, training it more, and it never got really "good" at making the things I was asking for. Plus, the guardrails are always changing so one day a simple image of two lesbians is fine and the next it's banned. And the more they trained it, the more they ran out of existing data to feed it to try to "learn" from and the more they fed in its own output into it. That is, btw, how an AI goes "insane." Once you start inputting its own output into it, it is a short few days before the entire platform collapses and can't produce anything anymore.
So, I stopped using it. It was just too dull and even the thing I wound up using it for the most - short, shitty goon-bait videos - were just things I could cosplay up and act in myself.
And the thing about AI is that it's a lot like social media or watching TV or anything else that's kinda boring and not terribly useful: it's habitual.
If you keep doing it, you'll keep doing it.
But if you stop? Well, then you'll forget all about it.
That's the point I'm at.
I'm tired of AI, tired of what it can do and what it can't do and what it'll allegedly one day do but almost certainly won't.
I'll keep it on my resume, because whatever. If a job makes me use it, I'll do it because I don't give a shit what corpos decide to do and I'm just there for a the paycheck.
But on this one, I think I'm pretty happy to be a luddite.
I gave it a solid shot, the ol' college try as they say.
But AI isn't a thing I require nor desire in my life.
. . / /
Seward April Event Schedule (as of today)
2026-04-05
New event schedule at Seward! W00t w00t woot!
I wonder which things I'll go to?
. . / /
Crafting Weekly Roundup #1
2026-04-05
This week I:
- Finished a new pussy hat in my signature green/black(or grey) colors
- Made a day collar for myself to wear to work or the bank or whatever
- I'm self-collared, but I give myself to many I choose to owe loyalty to
- Mended and patched a nice jacket I got from a friend
- Made a new belt with a blue strap and a buckle depicting two anchors frotting
Hat & day collar:
The jacket before:
The jacket after with some fixed seams and new cuffs:
Belt!
. . / /
Mosh Politics, Lost & Found, and Pink Squeeze
2026-03-30
Wow, what an incredibly eventful weekend. Feels like I need the mundaity of the work week just to recover from it.
Started with the Mosh Politics show on Saturday which included Lover Girl, I Have No Love For Men Like You, Chemsexx, Kill Us Online, Slut Intent, and most importantly of all S.L.O.G. with their new album release. Grabbed a copy for myself in cassette and one in CD for a friend. Also gobbled down a slice of walnut banana bread from Seward's sweets case in the corner of their backyard while crouching like a little squirrel.
The view from the me // the view from the moon:
Stopped into the cafe the next day for some brekky and to grab a few items from the lost & found for some friends, including a little bell and a leather cuff. Either of which I would have personally been devestated to lose so I'm glad I could help them find their way home.
Sunday was the Pink Squeeze tour show at Pillar. I didn't get any video/pics of them unfortunately, but they were amazing and I'm definitely a fan now. Was sitting a bit low on funds at the show so a vinyl purchase was out of the question, but I might grab it later online, or a tape/cd offering would be an easy sale for me. I listen to vinyl, but it's just not with the frequency of my cd & tape collection since I'm usually out of the house and reliant on my walkmans and car stereo.
Did get some footage of Doll Chaser doing a...kinda sexy slow version of "Call Girl"? And Kyrie Nova being amazing as always.
All-around, a very solid weekend full of some extremely good moshing and hanging out with friends. Highly recommend checking out the local music scene if you're not already in it. The community is amazing and only growing.
. . / /
DJ Puppychow's Birthday Rave
2026-03-19
Went to a house-show basement rave back on Saturday. First one of the new space for DJ Puppychow and it sounds like there's likely to be plenty more.
I love DJ sets, but it's been kinda hard to find them happening at times that my elderly, 9-5 employed ass is awake and alert for. This one was about 8pm until...like...midnightish?
It was good, I went with my friend Mallory and her old friend Conor and we danced and danced, and then we chatted and chatted in the kitchen. Then I went home and ate and fucking slept. HARD
. . / /
Carving Again
2026-03-19
Getting in some stamp carving after a long hiatus.
Hoping to get this LoserGirl as a patch on some of my stuff and planning out something special for my battle jacket in homage to Doll Chaser and all the ways Dolly acts as a mascott for my social angst and anarchist efforts
. . / /